Laying in bed, barely awake, I breathed in a sigh of comfort. It was my 45th birthday and this year, unlike most, I didn’t have a trip planned.
Usually my thoughts run towards what I want my new year to look like and any intentions or wishes I may have. Realizing the amount of pressure I put on August 26 for the past 45 years, I allowed my mind to rest and not worry about what the next 365 days would look like.
As I layed there, one thought did pop up and it felt like the warm hug Nate was providing: “I feel so content”
For a lifelong worrier, this was quite a gift! "I feel so happy with the coziness we’ve created.”
He quickly responded: “And you can’t beat the location!”
Walking out into the living room, I noticed a pile of gifts in bright, colorful wrapping. “I love this paper!” I said, smiling at the thought of him picking out wrapping for the gifts. I opened his card and felt my heart swell with his kind, loving words.
Before knowing Nate, gifts weren’t really my thing. But being married to someone who loves gifts, I’m learning to receive with delight. The gifts were lovely and included tickets to a concert a nod to my love of experiences.
Marriage has been a mirror and being married to someone that I describe as “disneyland” has shown me how I could invite more enthusiasm to my life. As a Virgo, I can veer towards being too practical and at times cynical. Thankfully, Nate has helped me invite more levity into my life.
Another thing I have learned about myself is that for the past 20 years, I was searching for something elsewhere. Always looking for the trip to book and experiences to provide the escape from my everyday, contentment was always fleeting.
The older I get, I am finding my need for escape to elsewhere wane. I think I will always love travel and seeing new places, but the energy behind it has shifted.
Over the past several months, I have said “no” to many things. People have asked me what I am making space for and I honestly don’t know. However, I can say the space I have created has resulted in a greater appreciation for what is and the people in my life. It’s also helped me connect with these people on a deeper level.
My birthday was filled with messages and calls from friends and family, each one unique and specific, evidence of the delight of fostering relationships.
When I think of my 25 year old self who had yet to leave the country for the first time, I feel a fond gratitude for the spirit that propelled me to where I am today. My desire to be elsewhere provided me with an education of the world and the power of connection.
When I think about all the places I’ve been and the people I’ve met over the past 20 years, I am thrilled at the idea of the next 20 years of deepening these connections and the places I have yet to see.
On the night of my birthday, we went to dinner with friends and our server brought out a slice of cake surrounded by sprinkles. I was so excited to see the sprinkles of all shapes and sizes. I couldn’t think of a wish when I blew out the candle so I silently said “thank you”.
As I took a bite of cake, I dragged it through the sprinkles and savored the sweetness and company. And I think that is my birthday wish: looking forward to the delight that will be sprinkled in between the day to day, in all shapes and sizes.
45
It’s a deep inner knowing that still grapples with standards that feel impossible.
It’s the grounded calm in knowing that all will be well.
It’s the decision to choose myself over and over again.
It’s the feeling of coming home to myself after years of searching elsewhere.