F is for Forgiveness

Learning when to reconcile or release relationships

For the longest time, I thought forgiveness meant releasing hurt and reconnecting with the person who did the hurting. And for many years, this belief was detrimental to my growth and wellbeing.

It was hard for me to change my understanding of forgiveness since beliefs can be ingrained since childhood. Sometimes we don’t realize how deep something lives inside us until it’s time to make the change.

In my case, I have unfortunately had a few loved ones suffer with addiction. For decades, I thought I could be the one to help as well as the one to admonish. I walked a tightrope of caring too much and at the same time carrying the enormous weight of anger and resentment.

Loving these people and witnessing the effects of addiction broke my heart. I wanted the idea I had of them to be the truth. I craved the connection I conjured in my mind that was possible if only they would stop.

The truth is addiction changes people. Not only the person using but also the person waiting for them to stop.

For years I toggled between feelings of hate, pity, and grief. My mind clung to the idea of reconnection and loving understanding. Those things never really happened and this is where the seeds of forgiveness were planted.

I knew that if I was going to learn to love and trust people in a healthy way, I would need to learn what forgiveness really meant. Desmond Tutu’s teachings on forgiveness helped me see the complexity of forgiveness and accept that reconciliation is not always the goal.

Tell your story for as long as you need to. Name your hurts until they no longer pierce your heart. Grant forgiveness when you are ready to let go of a past that cannot be changed. Reconcile or release the relationship as you choose.
- Desmond Tutu

Reading the words “reconcile or release” was a lightbulb moment for me. Knowing that I didn’t have to strive so hard for a reconciliation that looked like the relationship my heart was grasping for but instead releasing it all together felt freeing. Forgiveness then became more about freeing myself from the weight of anger and resentment.

Something I have learned about forgiveness is that its a practice because memories and new slights can occur. Memory has a magnificent way of holding onto the negative things that happen. Negativity bias shows that negative events hold more weight than positive events. Therefore, we could have 20 wonderful things happening in our lives, and yet, one negative memory can create blinders causing our focus to stay in the pain.

Forgiveness doesn’t mean forgetting. So, the practice I’ve learned is that when the painful memories occur, the choice to reconcile or release is presented once more. Most often, release is my choice. I can forgive again and move on with my day. This can look like a loving kindness meditation (see below), a simple forgiving thought, a long journal entry of release, or even a venting session with Nate or a friend.

Releasing frees me from keeping the pain swirling in my thoughts. Releasing has contributed to my physical and mental well being. Releasing has helped me form deeper and healthier connections.

Forgiveness truly is freedom, but it’s not easy. It may need to happen many, many times. Think of it as a gift to yourself and perhaps reconciliation is possible, which I’ve also experienced and it’s a beautiful thing. But for the relationships that need releasing, perhaps this loving kindness meditation can help in the letting go:

Loving Kindness Meditation

Begin in a seated position with your hands on your heart and eyes closed.

Think of someone easy to love and send them these thoughts:

May you be healthy
May you be happy
May you be safe
May you live in peace

Now, think of someone you are struggling to forgive and send them these thoughts:

May you be healthy
May you be happy
May you be safe
May you live in peace

Now think of yourself and the spaces that need some help letting go and say:

May I be healthy
May I be happy
May I be safe
May I live in peace

Now think of the entire world and all beings, sending loving kindness from your heart:

May all beings be healthy
May all beings be happy
May all beings be safe
May all beings live in peace